Blame
by starbuckfaerie21
Summary: Takes place after 'The Souvenir'


Blame

**Disclaimer: **Sadly, I own neither _Saving Hope_ nor Daniel Gillies

**Pairing: **Joel and Alex (or if you prefer Alex &amp; Joel)

**Rating: T**

**Summary: **Takes place after 'The Souvenir'

Joel Goran waited impatiently for Alex to awaken after the emergency surgery that Maggie had performed. Alex had an ectopic pregnancy, and her fallopian tube had ruptured.

_We lost the baby._

_At least she's all right._

_Thank God she's all right._

But the good news was that Maggie and Sydney were able to repair the damage to Alex's fallopian tube, and preserve her fertility.

_At least we can still have more children._

Sitting by her bedside reminded him of the last time he'd almost lost her, when she'd been stabbed.

_It's my fault._

He knew Alex would tell him otherwise but he couldn't suppress the thought.

_If I'd kept a closer eye on Ian, she never would've gotten hurt. _

He shuddered at the memory, as he waited for her to wake up. He longed for her to wake up, but dreaded breaking the news to her about the baby.

_She'll blame herself._

_At least I can still hold her in my arms._

_At least Charlotte and Luke still have their mother._

_At least I still have my wife._

_At least I can still tell her that I love her every day._

Joel took her hand in his and held it tight, "Alex, I have to tell you something. And I don't think I can say it more than once. So I need you to wake up and look at me, _please_."

As if she heard his plea, she stirred and whispered, "Joel…?"

Her voice was filled with fear and uncertainty as she regained consciousness and the veil between drug-induced sleep and wakefulness finally lifted.

"I'm here, Alex. I'm right here." He said softly, still holding her hand and watching with rapt attention as her eyes opened. "How are you feeling?"

Alex was about to ask her husband where she was and what happened. But then everything came flooding back.

_The pain had been so intense that it had brought tears to her eyes._

_She'd collapsed in the O.R. during a surgery._

_The baby._

As soon as the thought crossed her mind her free hand went up almost instinctively to rest across her abdomen as if to protect her unborn child from harm.

_It felt tender to the touch and was covered with a bandage and surgical tape._

Alex looked at her husband, "Is the baby okay?"

But she already knew the answer from the expression on Joel's face.

And before he even shook his head, tears were already welling up in her eyes. "It was an ectopic Alex. Maggie and Sydney stopped the bleeding and repaired the damage to your fallopian tube…But they couldn't save the baby. I'm sorry."

He felt tears welling in his own eyes as he spoke.

Alex just shook her head, whispering, "No…no…no…" over and over again like a mantra as Joel wrapped his arms gently around her and whispered, "I love you. We'll make it through this…I promise."

"I love you, too." She replied, resting her head on his shoulder, and breathing in the familiar scent of his cologne. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Alex Reid, I promise you'll never have to find out." He said, kissing her lips and tasting the lingering anesthesia on her breath.

Over Joel's shoulder, Alex spotted Maggie standing in the doorway of her room. "Hey Alex. How're you feeling?"

_Suddenly Alex felt all her pain turning to rage._

"Why didn't you catch this on the ultrasound?" She screamed at Maggie, pulling away from Joel, and straining to reach Maggie, tears streaming down her face. "You told me everything was fine!"

"I know, Alex…I didn't see it I'm sorry…I know how this feels…" Maggie said, trying to apologize.

"You lied to me, Maggie!" Alex shouted, pulling against the I.V. in her arm that kept her in the bed.

Then she heard Joel's voice in her ear, "Alex…hey…you're going to hurt yourself…"

She fought him as he tried to guide her shoulders back toward the pillow.

"I'm already hurt, Joel!" She yelled, pounding her fists into his shoulders.

He nodded, "I know. But if you don't lie back you're going to pull your stitches…"

"I don't care about my stitches, Joel! Our baby is dead!" She yelled.

And then she suddenly went limp in her husband's arms.

_It was the first time she'd said it out loud._

"Oh my God…Joel baby…" The endearment slipping from her lips automatically, without thinking of the irony of it's use. "I hit you…I'm so sorry…I'm sorry…It's my fault…It's my fault…"

He stopped the flow of her desperate words with a kiss.

_He tasted the salt of her tears on her lips_.

As he kissed her, he eased her shoulders back onto the pillow, climbing into the hospital bed with her.

_This time she didn't fight him._

He met her gaze, his arms still wrapped tightly around her.

"This _is not_ your fault. Do you hear me, Alex Reid?"

She nodded, pulling him close again.

She was about to sigh with contentment from the comfort of his embrace, when Joel heard her inhale sharply, as she sat up too quickly, pulling her stitches.

"Alex…" Joel began, laying his hand on her arm, trying to calm her.

"The kids….What time is it? I'm supposed to pick them up…I must've been in surgery for a couple of hours…They must be so scared. I'm the world's worst mother…"

Joel watched for a moment as her beautiful blue eyes danced back and forth in panic.

_She's a wonderful mother._

_It's killing me to see her like this._

When he couldn't stand it anymore, he shouted her name again, more loudly.

"Alex…"

_This time she heard him._

"What?" She asked looking up at him.

"Luke and Charlotte are with Zack and Malanda. They're fine."

She let out a breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding.

"And for the record, you're a wonderful mother." He said kissing her forehead and pulling her back against his body, so she would lie down.

"And you're an amazing father." She whispered, laying her head back against his chest.

Joel smiled and kissed her temple, "Thank you, Reid. Now, do you think you can control your temper long enough for me to get Maggie in here to check your stitches?"

"We should call Maggie in here. I want to apologize."

"Alex, stop beating yourself up. Maggie will understand. She's been through this."

Alex's eyes suddenly widened, "How did you know I pulled my stitches?"

"Because I'm a doctor. And I know you Reid." He answered simply, before leaning over to press the call button.

It was Alex's turn to smile, "Not an attractive quality you know…the smugness."

He gave her that trademark Joel Goran grin and she felt her heartbeat quicken.

"Oh c'mon you know you love it." He said, leaning back so he'd be close enough to kiss her.

"No." She whispered leaning into the kiss. "I love you."


End file.
